.: 哀しいキセキ :.

Encased memories. 

 “Allah gives us gifts, but then we come to love them as we should only love Him. We take those gifts and inject them into our hearts, until they take over. Soon we cannot live without them. Every waking moment is spent in contemplation of them, in submission and worship to them. The mind and the heart that was created by Allah, for Allah, becomes the property of someone or something else. And then the fear comes. The fear of loss begins to cripple us. The gift—that should have remained in our hands—takes over our heart, so the fear of losing it consumes us. Soon, what was once a gift becomes a weapon of torture and a prison of our own making. How can we be freed of this? 

At times, in His infinite mercy, Allah frees us…by taking it away. As a result of it being taken, we turn to Allah wholeheartedly. In that desperation and need, we ask, we beg, we pray. Through the loss, we reach a level of sincerity and humility and dependence on Him which we would otherwise not reach—had it not been taken from us. Through the loss, our hearts turn entirely to face Him.” 

 Yasmin Mogahed, Reclaim Your Heart 

As the sky cracks to open into another world. 

12.25 noon, Malaysian Time

.: Crimson ripples :.

The rain carries fragments … 

It is at moments like these that my thoughts begin to wander off to a distant moment in time … 

~ 

Miss! Girls must not walk in the rain!

~

 Do you have something to cover yourself with?

~ 

And just as I was about to take that first step, to mindlessly take a stroll under the pitter-patter realities, a stranger comes by and says; 

You will get drenched. Let me walk you to your car.

The aspiration of one’s early days.

11.07pm Malaysian Time

.: Polished pebbles :.

Facing fears.

There was something vaguely familiar about him. Then it dawned on me. His mannerism reminded me of someone. Someone I haven't met in a long time. Someone I had wanted to meet for a very long time.

Whence the heart whispers ...

Could it be?

It took me a while to realize that it wasn't him and it couldn't be him. Even after knowing this, I was unable to stop myself from observing this person's movements. There was something that was pulling me towards him. Crazy huh.

Needless to say, it didn't take him long to notice my queer behavior. He good-naturedly smiled at me and continued reading his book. A few stops later, he motioned he was leaving and we bade our farewells.

As I was patiently waiting for my stop, I tried to piece together why I had acted so peculiar. That was when I looked out to the window, stared at the skies and thought ...

Could it be because I had so wanted the person to be him?

How long has it been?

1.36pm Malaysian Time

.: Will of heaven :.

Parting beneath the clouded skies.

If your love is true, you would feel an aversion for anything that does not remind you of the one you love. How odd! Whoever claims to love and needs someone to remind him of the lover, his love is not complete. The least thing that shows your love is that you never forget your beloved one.

Imam Ibn Qayyim (rahimullah) 

Perhaps I am not as forgetful as I thought I am.

4.03pm Malaysian Time

.: Entangled footprints :.

Tracing the footsteps.

 

"Shoes" attributed to my cousin SyazaMST

"The memory will become stronger ..." 

I'm returning to where it all began.  

12.57noon Malaysian Time

.: Crimson tide :.

Years have passed.

But there are some things that can't be forgotten ...

Are you sure you are a Muslim? You don't wear the hijab. You don't know how to read the Qur'an. You spend more time with the disbelievers. Do you still think you are a Muslim?

At the tender age of 10, one starts to question ...

What is a Muslim?

What is Islam?

Who is God?

And embarks on a journey to find the truth.

7.17am Malaysian Time

.: Unforgettable view :.

Unforgettable incident.

"It doesn't matter how the memories are, I want to keep them all inside my heart and believe in them. I like to think that there are no memories unworthy of being remembered, and I wish that one day their weight won't be so heavy to carry anymore. This way, maybe it will come a day when I'll rewatch them serenely and they would become precious to me."

Honda Tohru, Fruits Basket

I'm home.

7.40pm Malaysian Time

.: Dance of the flowers :.

Destiny.


I was 10 when I was separated from my best friend.

I was 12 when I ran back to the exact spot where we last said goodbye even though I know he’s no longer there.

I was 15 when I broke down and cried for weeks in dad’s presence because the pain was no longer tolerable.

That was the time dad hugged me after so long and made sure I prayed congregational prayers alongside him, to seek solace from God.

"I cannot say that I understand your pain. But it is painful for me to see you this way. I cannot replace what you have lost. All I can do is to comfort you. The one that is able to ease your suffering is God. Seek for him. Insha’Allah, you will overcome this."

I was 19 when I opted to make the closure.

I was 22 when I realized I made the mistake of my life through endless denials and sought to set things right.

__________________________

Now, I’m going through life, believing that even in my darkest hour, God never left me. Concluding that there is a reason why I am unable to let go of this memory no matter how hard I tried and prayed for it.

__________________________

Things happen for a reason. For each broken piece, we strive harder to attain the next best piece. We do not give up. As long as we keep on trying, our efforts and determination shall be noticed. Afterward, we just leave it to God to move the heavens for us.

Happy Jumu'ah everyone!

5.58am Malaysian Time

.: Conflict remains :.

Backtracking.

我不明白 … Do you know the meaning?

Yeah. It means I don’t understand.

I won’t be around to teach you anymore …

…

I won’t be around you like always …

…

But I am with you … always …

我不明白 …

You will … one day …

我不明白! 我不明白! 我不明白!

From that day onwards, an invisible wall encased me. I no longer laugh, smile from the bottom of my heart since I left it back at the school field. In replacement, lies a heart of stone, gradually eroded over the years ...

... and I’ve finally understood.

Thus, begins the journey to rediscover.

7.29pm Malaysian Time

.: Mysterious past :.

The twirls of fate.

Don't you want to look for your best friend ... ?

~ Why look for someone that has always been there to begin with ...

Will you renounce the people that made you undergo extreme despair even if it means you will have to leave the very person that gave you the strength to deal with it?

Or will you choose to forsake your dreams in order to be around that person?

And will you hold on to forgoing your dreams even when the person wishes for you to run towards it?

The first encounter.

8.11am Malaysian Time

.: 美麗的神話 .:

The beautiful myth.

夢中人熟悉的臉孔　你是我守候的溫柔

就算淚水淹沒天地　我不會放手

每一刻孤獨的承受　只因我曾許下承諾

你我之間熟悉的感動　愛就要甦醒


萬世滄桑唯有愛是　永遠的神話

潮起潮落始終不悔　真愛的相約

幾番苦痛的糾纏多　少黑夜掙扎

緊握雙手讓我和你　再也不離分


枕上雪冰封的愛戀　真心相擁才能融解

風中搖曳爐上的火　不滅亦不休

等待花開春去春又來　無情歲月笑我癡狂

心如鋼鐵任世界荒蕪　思念永相隨


悲歡歲月唯有愛是　永遠的神話

誰都沒有遺忘古老　古老的誓言

你的淚水化為漫天　飛舞的彩蝶

愛是翼下之風兩心　相隨自在飛

A memory that is still intact although it has been more than 15 years...

The familiar face in my dreams, is the tenderness that I await...

Even though tears flood the skies and earth, I will never let go...

Every moment passes in loneliness, because I have made a promise...

To my good friend ::

You may not realize the impact those several minutes had on me. The fact that you said I am still a little girl, at least for that day can be nothing more further than the truth, and I had laughed it off in spite of it. Remembering the past, and brooding over it ... I preached that life has to go on, yet after all those years, this is by far the only memory that I have yet to let go and dare I admit, that the little girl you saw is in actual truth, fragments of the memory that I am still holding on to. The memory that I am forced to find again, during my moments of woe ... the memory that I didn't have a choice, and was the prime factor for causing it ... of me ... 15 years ago ... when the smiles, laughs and joys were directly taken away from me ... in which the little girl in me chose to remain still in time. There can be no words to explicitly describe it, nevertheless, I thank you so much for brightening my day, and always being there for me although we are miles apart.

____________________ ~ ____________________

I guess, no matter what, this little girl will always be a little girl.

你是我心中唯一美麗的神話.

8.43am Malaysian Time

.: School field :.

Lying there after school.

# Hi, what are you doing?

~ Looking at the sky.

# Why?

~ If you join me, I might tell you.

# So, will you tell me why?

~ Why do you think?

# I don't know. Maybe you like to see the clouds sailing.

~ I do. But it's not because of that.

# Are you telling me?

~ People always ask me this question. Don't you look at the sky sometimes?

# Yes. Just to check the weather.

~ Do you wonder whether at this moment, someone, somewhere is looking at the sky and wondering of the exact same thing?

# Never thought of that.

~ I know. Like well, at least I think most people don't.

# Why does this fascinate you?

~ I don't know. It just does.

# Then, there is no point.

~ Why did you come and ask me questions?

# Because I wanted to know what are you doing.

~ Why?

# I just want to know. Is that wrong?

~ No. That's the same thing, right?

# But you will never know whether that someone exist.

~ I never said the person exist. That's why I said I wonder.

# Don't you want to know? If there is such a person?

~ Are you looking at the sky?

# Yes.

~ :)

The stranger left earlier than I did. I never got to know who the person was. I don' t even know how the person looked like because I was too absorbed with my thoughts and the sky. Now, if only I can find a field where I can lie down on my own, without getting awkward stares or any intrusions.

The clouds are poofy today.

9.20pm Malaysian Time

.: Eyes closed :.

And I'm back in time.

You’re going to switch schools.

I smiled, nodded and did my usual stuff.

The next morning, as I looked outside the windows of the school bus with beads of raindrops trickling at the sides, I asked myself …

Why is the sky crying?

Only then I realized, I'm crying with it.

The idea was unfathomable. No amount of reasoning was enough to alter mum’s decision. Dad tried to console me, to no avail.

They have their reasons.

~ Then why won’t they tell me?

Because we are kids.

~ The sky is crying again.

Don’t cry with it.

~ I can’t.

...

8.44am Malaysian Time